Wow, where does the time go...

It has been ages since I posted on this blog. So much has happened. I'm still

Teaching. Love the school, vehemently dislike my principle. I can honestly say, I don't hate her but if she were to suddenly burst into flames I wouldn't pee on her to put the fire out.

I have my place, my own car. I'm more happy than seen in previous posts.  Stepped out on faith, took some risks, experienced some successes. However my success is a bit bitter sweet. The same mother that has belittled, emotionally abused, physically abused & stolen from me is living with me. :-( Due to her financial irresponsibility she has lost her home. I escaped my prison to have my warden follow me. I'm praying her stay is very short. I have my days where the mere presence of her upsets me other days I'm ok.

It's kind of funny, she's actually trying to be nice to me. If it weren't for her current circumstances I highly doubt she would be so nice. This time around I'm not accepting the mistreatment, & I for damn sure am not putting my life on hold like I did in the past for my family's convenience.

I'm getting out more, having fun. Still hopelessly single....le sigh. I'm not getting any younger so I'm going to do my best to enjoy the life God has blessed me with. 

All I'm gonna say.

What happened to the REAL MOTHERS

Adults these days complain a lot about how children & teens act now a days. However folks aren't talking alot about how patents act.

My own mother has stolen from me, taken from me, verbally and physically abused me. I still do my best to take care of her. Why aren't people taking about how kids, teens & adults take care of there mom. Even though their moms continually mistreats them.

Call Me A Dummy

Yes, I know it's been a long long while. I decided to go ahead an try blogging again. It's been a while and embarrassingly enough not much has changed in my life. A few things have changed. One thing has changed my love life is even suckier than it was before. I do have a career that I am muddling my way through.

I have been socially awkward my whole life. No matter how hard I try to look normal I end up looking like a Dummy for even trying. Making friends, searching for a companion, family relationships and other aspects of my life are affected by my inability to interact normally with people.

Part of me wonders if I am just destined for bad luck, and awkwardness. I was never really taught how to interact with people. As a youth I never had friends, I had bullies. As a teenager, I never had friends I had associates. The friends I did have never lasted. They always left or moved away or dumped me at the first chance to be with the popular kids. As an adult not much has changed. I still feel awkward, nervous and weird around people. Which makes for a very lonely lonely life.

I have always desired acceptance but never really attaining it. I get folks who try to change me to what they think I should be.

My love life, nonexistant thing that it is. When I do get attention it always goes for the sexual. It;s like I am not worth getting to know as a person. All I am is a walking, talking, vagina. I thought I had found someone that trully wanted to be with me but as always the rug was yanked from under me. I honestly feel like I am just being strung along like a play toy till he gets tired of me. One guy, I thought would be a real thing turned out to be a mistake. He has decided to make a drastic change in his belief system which does not coincide with mine.
Different belief systems in a relationship spells disaster. Ask my parents.

Eating some of my words

In 2009, I talked about being more selfish. I have spent the majority of my life taking care of other people and not taking care of myself. I haven't totally been true to that. Old habits die hard. I still find myself trying to accommodate others at the expense of my self. Even now I am dealing with a situation where, I won't tell someone how a truly feel because I don't want to offend or hurt anyone's feelings. In the mean time I am hurting, feeling frustrated. I'm sparing others feelings and not taking care of my own mental and emotional state.

Why can't I get this right?!

It's Been a long time

It has been some years since I have submitted a blog. Many good and bad things have happened. A lot of things have not changed. I have decided to come back to let off some steam. I think it is cathartic to write out, speak out, dance out, work out the things that trouble you.

At this point in time I have gained a career. I don't know for how long I will stay with it though. There are some things I like about it, There are some things that scare me and their are definately somethings I really do not like about it. I have chosen to become a teacher. It was a long grueling process. I wanted to make sure on my journey to being a teacher I was prepared. I studied, focused and got through it. I thought I would have the full support of people who I thought were my friends but found that my so called friends turned on me, when I could not dedicate as much of myself to them. They are used to me giving up everything, saying yes to everything they want. This time I had to tell them, "No." I even had a so called friend tell me that I abandoned them because I was focused on getting my degree in education. I did not abandon her, I could not dedicate time like I did before. Rather than reminding me or communicating with me. She chose to hid behind a computer and tell me I was not her friend. I had a lot on my plate, and other obligations to fulfill, but because I could not be her ,"Step & Fetch It" I was not her friend. Eventhough I have sacrificed a lot for her and was there for her when no one was there. Which is cool. I finally saw this so called friend for who she was, "A User". She and I are done. I am cordial but she and I will never be friends again.

It kind of sucks that eventhough I am over 30 years old I have not yet gotten this friendship thing right. I manage to always find the people who want to suck the life out of me, use me and abuse me for being who I am. I would for once in my life love to have a friend that knows my personality, accepts me for who I am and does not abuse me or take advantage of me. I know part of it is me. I have a hard time saying no. As a child I was desperate for friendship and acceptance. I did almost anything to simply have a friend. It always ended up badly. I came to the conclusion early to just be myself and the right people will come around but so far it has not happened yet.

Back to the career thing. I am learning the ropes. I think if I continue to learn, work hard and study I can become a good teacher. I am a little uneasy about this journey but I am willing to keep going till I feel I have nothing to offer.

New Year, Clean Slate

This is a new year. For me it is a time to start over. I have to take the time to think over all that has happened in 2008; remember all the mistakes I made, the good and bad things that have happened, learn from them and try not to make the same mistakes in 2009.

This year I am working on being more independent. I am for lack of a better term be a little more selfish. I spend so many years taking care of everyone else. Making sure everyone else was OK that I did not take the time to take care of myself. I have reaped the rewards of not taking care of myself. I have no respect from my family, they never say thank you for anything I do for them. I know they expect it now so they don't even bother to show any form of appreciation. Even some of my so called friends behave in the same fashion. So they will be pleasantly disappointed when I start acting like them.

It's almost infuriating to give so much of yourself, and look up and realize you have not a damn thing to show for it. One of my family members actually told me that I had basically wasted my life. Initially I was insulted that he actually said that but the more I think about it, the more I agree. I had wasted my life. I put my life on hold for my family, denied myself of a life. Now I am older, stuck in the situation that I am in and have nothing positive to show for it. Only High Blood Pressure, dark circles around my eyes, weight gain and stress.

So this year I am going to be more selfish and focus on making myself a better me. Zero tolerance for BS in 2009.

The Weirdness continues

It's been a while since I have blogged here. A very long time almost an entire year. I am still alive. I am just working very very hard to chance my situation right now. I am a few steps away from finishing my teacher certification. I can almost see the finish line. I am so close I can taste it. I pray I can make it to the end.

I have contemplated quiting school but that wouldn't be prudent. I am so close to finishing. I have had a few stumbling blocks get in my way. I have even had family try to make me fail. I won't give them the satisfaction.

Over the months, I have contemplated moving to another state. I need a fresh start. I place where no one is familiar, no one knows me and my past failures. Start a fresh, a clean slate. I haven't quite decided where I would go though. I have considered moving to the east coast. For a long time I have been feeling like I don't belong. Like I don't quite fit in the place where I currently stand, kind of like a key trying to push itself into the wrong key hole. I am praying that where ever God is trying to send me that he gives me clarity on where I am going.

I still don't have much of a love life. However I have had some interesting "incidents" occur. I had a so called friend of mine try to set me up on a date with her roommate. I told her that I have preferences on the kinds of men I am attracted to. Funny though I never asked her to set me up with anyone. She didn't even ask me if it would be ok with me that she try to set me up with someone she knew. Anyway, I decided against my better judgement to go ahead and meet this person she thought would be a good match for me. Now you have to know my and my personality for what I am about to say. For the majority of my life, I have been the recipient of people's forgotten, leftover and hand me down things as well as throw aways. I am so so so tired of people thinking that I am so pitiful that I would always be receptive to people's unwanted things. I say that to say, I am soooooo sooo unhappy with this so called friend right now. This person was the exact opposite of what I am interested in or attracted to. To top it all off, I discovered that this guy was actually interested in her. She was pushing him off on me so she could get rid of him and according to her and I quote "get him out of her hair". She was not looking out for me at all.

This guy was unattractive, had very very boring conversation and one of my very very very strict pet peeves; he was shorter than I am. I am not trying to sound mean, conceited or hateful. I have issues with my height. I am 30 years old and only 5"2. I am already short. I prefer men to be taller them me. This guy was shorter than me. I was so mad at my friend that when she and this man showed up at my house for and outing I was ready to turn around and go back home. Needless to say, I was not happy at all. I wasn't mad at him or intentionally trying to be mean to him, I was mad at my "friend" for pushing someone on me for her convenience.

I have not given up on finding love or having a stable relationship. I believe God will bless me with the right person. I am in the meantime trying to be patient. I have been struggling in that area a little bit. I want to be in a stable healthy relationship that will not just complete me but be a compliment a happy addition to my life. I know I have a lot of growing to do. So skeletons in my closet to clean out, and some emotional baggage to get rid of before I can truly have that. I am working it it though.

So that's it sports fans, Nothing much to tell right now. I working hard, sleeping less. Praying for a better future and clarity on my journey though life.

Word Vomit, sometimes I feel like I have it. I don't always want to say what I am thinking. I mean, if I always said what I was thinking, people would think I was seriously mentally ill and need to be put in the room with the padded walls. Another problem I have been having is stammering over my word