Eating some of my words

In 2009, I talked about being more selfish. I have spent the majority of my life taking care of other people and not taking care of myself. I haven't totally been true to that. Old habits die hard. I still find myself trying to accommodate others at the expense of my self. Even now I am dealing with a situation where, I won't tell someone how a truly feel because I don't want to offend or hurt anyone's feelings. In the mean time I am hurting, feeling frustrated. I'm sparing others feelings and not taking care of my own mental and emotional state.

Why can't I get this right?!

It's Been a long time

It has been some years since I have submitted a blog. Many good and bad things have happened. A lot of things have not changed. I have decided to come back to let off some steam. I think it is cathartic to write out, speak out, dance out, work out the things that trouble you.

At this point in time I have gained a career. I don't know for how long I will stay with it though. There are some things I like about it, There are some things that scare me and their are definately somethings I really do not like about it. I have chosen to become a teacher. It was a long grueling process. I wanted to make sure on my journey to being a teacher I was prepared. I studied, focused and got through it. I thought I would have the full support of people who I thought were my friends but found that my so called friends turned on me, when I could not dedicate as much of myself to them. They are used to me giving up everything, saying yes to everything they want. This time I had to tell them, "No." I even had a so called friend tell me that I abandoned them because I was focused on getting my degree in education. I did not abandon her, I could not dedicate time like I did before. Rather than reminding me or communicating with me. She chose to hid behind a computer and tell me I was not her friend. I had a lot on my plate, and other obligations to fulfill, but because I could not be her ,"Step & Fetch It" I was not her friend. Eventhough I have sacrificed a lot for her and was there for her when no one was there. Which is cool. I finally saw this so called friend for who she was, "A User". She and I are done. I am cordial but she and I will never be friends again.

It kind of sucks that eventhough I am over 30 years old I have not yet gotten this friendship thing right. I manage to always find the people who want to suck the life out of me, use me and abuse me for being who I am. I would for once in my life love to have a friend that knows my personality, accepts me for who I am and does not abuse me or take advantage of me. I know part of it is me. I have a hard time saying no. As a child I was desperate for friendship and acceptance. I did almost anything to simply have a friend. It always ended up badly. I came to the conclusion early to just be myself and the right people will come around but so far it has not happened yet.

Back to the career thing. I am learning the ropes. I think if I continue to learn, work hard and study I can become a good teacher. I am a little uneasy about this journey but I am willing to keep going till I feel I have nothing to offer.