I'm a artwork junkie. I like looking at art work. Looking at the detail, the intricacies of brush stokes, drawings.
As a teen, art was my medicine to help quell the turmoil going on inside my head. Kept me sane. I used to sit in my room for hours, messing with my oil paint sets, skept pads, and felt tip pens. My parents used to think something was mentally wrong with me, because I spent so much time in my room drawing. I did my chores, go back to my room, open up my sketch pad, find some copy paper, a pencil or paint brush and go off into another world. I loved art so much I wanted to make it a career.
As years passed I have had opportunities to go to school for it. As a matter of fact I was a part of the Houston Black Artist and Writers Organization by the age of 15yrs. When I was 17, I worked with Cultural Arts Council of Houston, Harris County. I had the opportunity to be in the running to attain a scholarship to get into an art school. I don't know what happened to me. What killed the artistic drive in me. I didn't finish my app for CACHH, passing up what could have let to a promising career. It seems that from that point my artistic desire and skill began to spiral downward.
However when I got to college I wanted to go to school and persue art as a career. Again I fell flat on my face. I got it in my head that art wasn't a good career choice. I would end up being a starving artist, living with my parents. I would be 40yrs old, in my parent's home, putting my name on my orange juice in their refrigerator, telling them not to drink it. I have a hard enough time dealing with the strained relationship I had with my parents. I was afraid for prolonging my suffering by choosing a career that would keep me trapped with them.
Sad thing is. I am almost 30 and I still live with my parents. My worst nightmare has come true. I keep thinking to myself. If I had gone through with my application, If I had accepted the opportunies to persue my love of art, would I be where I am right now? I also got an opportunity to do work for a mural in Austin, TX. I chickened out.
It's these aspects and more that make me feel so much like a failure. I have these grandiose plans and when an opportunity to act on it comes about I second guess my abilities and chicken out. I guess I deserve to be in the situation I am in. I didn't take initiative, action, movement into areas I wanted to me. I let outside influences guide me instead to listening to myself for a change. I pray I won't be stuck like this forever.
Monday, October 31, 2005
I have been stuggling with my weight for a very long time. It wasn't until fairly recently that I have been afraid for my wellbeing due to my unhealthy weight gain. Over the past 3yrs I have gone from 175lbs to 200lbs to 250lbs to 220lbs. I can feel my body telling me, I am killing myself. Not to mention the day to day stresses that play their part in my slow death.
I want to live a healthy lifestyle. The major change I need to make is in my diet. It seems much simpler to just buy processed foods. I mean they are cheaper then going to the grocery store and buying vegetables, lean meats, whole grain, whole wheat breads, and protein drinks.
Maybe I am not a good enough shopper to know where I can get the healthy food at a decent price where I won't break my minuscule bank account. I don't think personal trainers, nutritionists, and dieticians understand what it is like to shop for healthy food items and can only afford the pack of bottle waters. When you look for healthy food items, sugar free, or fat free items.. you look at it's contents. They contain things that aren't good for you.
It's so easy to just go to walmart or your favorite grocery store and go and buy 20 packs of ramen noddles, a box with 10 hot pockets, 2 large bags of chips and 20 packs of koolaid and only spend maybe $10-$20. Those ramen noddles can be stretched out over a long period of time, just like those bags of chips and the hot pockets.
What do they expect? This is becoming extremely frustrating. I don't want to become a diabetic, or have hypertension but it seems like these food and produce companies want me to. Otherwise, buying fresh veggies, lean meats, protein drinks and the like wouldn't cost so dang much.
Why is it cheaper to go to McDonalds, Burger King, or Wendy's and order junk food from the $1 menu. You go to the healthy food and have to spend more then $5 for a salad and you haven't even purchased a drink yet.
I want to live a healthy lifestyle. The major change I need to make is in my diet. It seems much simpler to just buy processed foods. I mean they are cheaper then going to the grocery store and buying vegetables, lean meats, whole grain, whole wheat breads, and protein drinks.
Maybe I am not a good enough shopper to know where I can get the healthy food at a decent price where I won't break my minuscule bank account. I don't think personal trainers, nutritionists, and dieticians understand what it is like to shop for healthy food items and can only afford the pack of bottle waters. When you look for healthy food items, sugar free, or fat free items.. you look at it's contents. They contain things that aren't good for you.
It's so easy to just go to walmart or your favorite grocery store and go and buy 20 packs of ramen noddles, a box with 10 hot pockets, 2 large bags of chips and 20 packs of koolaid and only spend maybe $10-$20. Those ramen noddles can be stretched out over a long period of time, just like those bags of chips and the hot pockets.
What do they expect? This is becoming extremely frustrating. I don't want to become a diabetic, or have hypertension but it seems like these food and produce companies want me to. Otherwise, buying fresh veggies, lean meats, protein drinks and the like wouldn't cost so dang much.
Why is it cheaper to go to McDonalds, Burger King, or Wendy's and order junk food from the $1 menu. You go to the healthy food and have to spend more then $5 for a salad and you haven't even purchased a drink yet.
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
This week I have been doing a lot of self evaluation. I complain about a lot of things, my family, my jobless-ness, my lackluster love life. I do a lot of knocking down on myself. Mainly I do a lot of finger pointing when it comes to these issues. True enough the people I have encountered in my life do have an effect on me but I choose to allow negative people to have more of an affect on me. I also use that fact as a crutch...like some folks blame the man for their inability to succeed.
I have yet to get out on my own and establish my self as an independent adult. I have yet to really experience the world. I allowed myself to be stuck in this box. Like a child I don't go past my front door. Although my desire is to be out and about, conquering the world. My hinderance is that I use my family as an excuse to not boldly go, where I haven't gone before. Initially it was a reality, but my siblings are old enough to take care of themselves, my father is in heavan now, my mom seems to be doing fine. So why the hell am I still here. Although I am just realizing it now but I have had opportunities to get out on my own and again used the excuse of family obligation to not move forward.
I've admitted to myself that the real reason, for my inability to move forward is fear. I'm afraid of going out there and screwing up. Not only that but screwing up and having to tuck my tail between my legs and go back to my family. The fear of proving to all the naysayers that I am a failure. Some of those naysayers are on my very on family. Ironically I have already proven them right. I am still living with my mom and I am over 25yrs old. I constantly beat myself of for not taking the initiative and getting out on my own when I was a brave, naive 19yr old. I had the funds, the apartment, the mindset. Fear crept in and kept me from making that step since then.
This fear has also led me down into some serious stuggles in my love life. I desperately want companionship and love. All those sickeningly sweet things involved in a stable relationship. However my fear of being alone had let me into relationships with liars and manipulators. This area is a hairy one for me. My self esteem isn't what it should be. Fear coupled with low self esteem has allowed me to accept certain things that a normal person wouldn't accept. I won't go into the gory details of my few and far between past relationships.
I guess the real name of my fear issue is "Fear of Failure". That fear of failure is so strong at times that I don't even attempt to do certain things. You know the mentality of "Oh well, If I try I am gonna fail anyway."
I guess I got a lot to work on. I am trying to move past this and be a little more adventurous. Keep me in your prayers folks.
I have yet to get out on my own and establish my self as an independent adult. I have yet to really experience the world. I allowed myself to be stuck in this box. Like a child I don't go past my front door. Although my desire is to be out and about, conquering the world. My hinderance is that I use my family as an excuse to not boldly go, where I haven't gone before. Initially it was a reality, but my siblings are old enough to take care of themselves, my father is in heavan now, my mom seems to be doing fine. So why the hell am I still here. Although I am just realizing it now but I have had opportunities to get out on my own and again used the excuse of family obligation to not move forward.
I've admitted to myself that the real reason, for my inability to move forward is fear. I'm afraid of going out there and screwing up. Not only that but screwing up and having to tuck my tail between my legs and go back to my family. The fear of proving to all the naysayers that I am a failure. Some of those naysayers are on my very on family. Ironically I have already proven them right. I am still living with my mom and I am over 25yrs old. I constantly beat myself of for not taking the initiative and getting out on my own when I was a brave, naive 19yr old. I had the funds, the apartment, the mindset. Fear crept in and kept me from making that step since then.
This fear has also led me down into some serious stuggles in my love life. I desperately want companionship and love. All those sickeningly sweet things involved in a stable relationship. However my fear of being alone had let me into relationships with liars and manipulators. This area is a hairy one for me. My self esteem isn't what it should be. Fear coupled with low self esteem has allowed me to accept certain things that a normal person wouldn't accept. I won't go into the gory details of my few and far between past relationships.
I guess the real name of my fear issue is "Fear of Failure". That fear of failure is so strong at times that I don't even attempt to do certain things. You know the mentality of "Oh well, If I try I am gonna fail anyway."
I guess I got a lot to work on. I am trying to move past this and be a little more adventurous. Keep me in your prayers folks.
Monday, October 24, 2005
As mentioned in a previous post, "I'm a lazy cuss." I am working on changing that aspect of me. Trying to that fire burning under me so I can get my butt in gear. In an effort to get that hairy ball rolling. I have put myself on a schedule. Time management is something I have become increasingly ineffective at. I don't know what happened to me. I used to be a smart, responsible, pragmatic person. Now I feel like a lazy, triffling idiot.
I guess the redundant yelling of my father, telling me how triffling he thought I was, finally stuck in my brain. It's funny, I being the eldest of 6 children, I took on the responsibilies of an average adult with children. But still nothing I did was satisfactory to my father and mother. My father, God rest his soul. I don't think he fully understood all that I did or went through for him and my family. Dah, well.... I set my path to reverse the curse, that I allowed to be put upon me. I could have faught a little harder to not let my parent's negative words to slither their way into my heart and mind. I guess all the while, while I was fighting it, I didn't realize that I let the negativity infect me, like a virus.
I'm not saying my parents were horrible parents. They did the best they could with what they had. Parents need to be really carefull what they say or do to their children. I know I wasn't the smartest child. I made a lot of bone head mistakes. There is a way they can go about chastising their child to where they won't come out with the self esteem the size of a grain of sand. My parents I guess tried too hard to make sure I wasn't a screwup that I ended up becoming one. In my opinion they were over protective, overbearing, and nagging. So much so that to me it felt like they hated me. For the life of me I don't know what I did that was so horrible that made them act that way toward me.
Maybe since I am my parent's oldest child, I am the "Trial & Error" child. Maybe I was the guinnea pig. They try out something out on me, figure"well that didnt work", and try something else with the next child. "Lets try whiping her everytime she brings home a bad grade from school, see if that inproves her grades. Well that didn't work. Let's make her feel ashamed of her body when she starts puberty, she starting to gain weight. Well that didn't work, lets try something better with the next child. Let's physically abuse her, yell at her, berate her for every single mistake. Well that didn't work, lets try something better with the next child. Lets keep her inside and not let her go out, she might screw up. Let's teach her about the bird and bees, with scare tactics, we don't want her to become a slut". I could go on and on and on but it's to early in the morning to be rehashing old hurts right now.
I have some heavy stuff to work past. Hopefully I will and come out better in the end.
I guess the redundant yelling of my father, telling me how triffling he thought I was, finally stuck in my brain. It's funny, I being the eldest of 6 children, I took on the responsibilies of an average adult with children. But still nothing I did was satisfactory to my father and mother. My father, God rest his soul. I don't think he fully understood all that I did or went through for him and my family. Dah, well.... I set my path to reverse the curse, that I allowed to be put upon me. I could have faught a little harder to not let my parent's negative words to slither their way into my heart and mind. I guess all the while, while I was fighting it, I didn't realize that I let the negativity infect me, like a virus.
I'm not saying my parents were horrible parents. They did the best they could with what they had. Parents need to be really carefull what they say or do to their children. I know I wasn't the smartest child. I made a lot of bone head mistakes. There is a way they can go about chastising their child to where they won't come out with the self esteem the size of a grain of sand. My parents I guess tried too hard to make sure I wasn't a screwup that I ended up becoming one. In my opinion they were over protective, overbearing, and nagging. So much so that to me it felt like they hated me. For the life of me I don't know what I did that was so horrible that made them act that way toward me.
Maybe since I am my parent's oldest child, I am the "Trial & Error" child. Maybe I was the guinnea pig. They try out something out on me, figure"well that didnt work", and try something else with the next child. "Lets try whiping her everytime she brings home a bad grade from school, see if that inproves her grades. Well that didn't work. Let's make her feel ashamed of her body when she starts puberty, she starting to gain weight. Well that didn't work, lets try something better with the next child. Let's physically abuse her, yell at her, berate her for every single mistake. Well that didn't work, lets try something better with the next child. Lets keep her inside and not let her go out, she might screw up. Let's teach her about the bird and bees, with scare tactics, we don't want her to become a slut". I could go on and on and on but it's to early in the morning to be rehashing old hurts right now.
I have some heavy stuff to work past. Hopefully I will and come out better in the end.
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
Been going to school for the past 2 months and haven't done any of what I said I would do. All these grandiose plans of studying hard, focusing on school and attaining a job. I haven't done one single solitary thing. I'm passing all my classes with the exception of one. Statistics..humph! who uses it anyway...I know I suck. I would do better If I wasn't such a lazy cuss. Doesn't stop me from complaining and whining about my professors and their assignments.
I've taken 2 tests already from each subject I am taking and haven't gotten my butt in gear. I just can't shake this procrastinating, laziness that has taken a hold of me since my junior year in high school. I gotta get some fire under my butt, some motivation.
It just seems like when one aspect of my life sucks, everything else suffers. The area that predominately sucks is my love life. It sucks when you have the sex drive of a caffine overdosed, feroscious, rabid, tigress. Groowwwl!!!!. And nobody to unleash your desires on. Not only that but I desire companionship so badly that it at times hurts. So much so that It on occasion brings me to tears. In my upbringing, I rarely experienced love from my family if at all. I mean they fed me, clothed me and sheltered me just enough so Child and Protective Services wouldn't be called. Hugs, encouragement, nurturing, sentimental things that all kids desire from their parents I rarely got. So in my warped, fwaggle wittle mind, If I can't get that love from my family, I can find that attention, warmth and love in the arms of a man and get down with some mattress acrobatics. Without sounding Freudian...I don't have a desire to be sexually intimate with any of my family members. Hopefully you get the gist of what I am saying.
This subject totally consumes me. In all my life I have never experienced a real date, a loving relationship or sex for that matter. That's another thing that suck. I am over 25yrs old and still a v.vvvvva va vaaaaa virgin....ugghhhhh not that being a virgin is a bad thing. Being a virgin when you don't want to be is extremely hard. My desire to copulate is extremely Randy Savage on a steroid high, strong. My restraint has kept me from jumping the bones of unsuspecting young men. I want to wait till I am married but this day and age is that possible. People are settling with living together, rather than marriage. People aren't waiting till they are married to have sex. Casual sex is the norm. So where does that leave me. Do you see! Do you see my perdicament?! .....sigh....I will eventually have to make a choice. Hopefully when I do get the opportunity to be in a loving stable, hopefully long term relationship that I will make the right decision.
For now I need to find a way to get my mind off of sex enough to focus on my studies, improving my life and growing as a person. Motivating myself to get on the ball....sigh.....I gotta work on that but man, I don't feel like it. lol......
I've taken 2 tests already from each subject I am taking and haven't gotten my butt in gear. I just can't shake this procrastinating, laziness that has taken a hold of me since my junior year in high school. I gotta get some fire under my butt, some motivation.
It just seems like when one aspect of my life sucks, everything else suffers. The area that predominately sucks is my love life. It sucks when you have the sex drive of a caffine overdosed, feroscious, rabid, tigress. Groowwwl!!!!. And nobody to unleash your desires on. Not only that but I desire companionship so badly that it at times hurts. So much so that It on occasion brings me to tears. In my upbringing, I rarely experienced love from my family if at all. I mean they fed me, clothed me and sheltered me just enough so Child and Protective Services wouldn't be called. Hugs, encouragement, nurturing, sentimental things that all kids desire from their parents I rarely got. So in my warped, fwaggle wittle mind, If I can't get that love from my family, I can find that attention, warmth and love in the arms of a man and get down with some mattress acrobatics. Without sounding Freudian...I don't have a desire to be sexually intimate with any of my family members. Hopefully you get the gist of what I am saying.
This subject totally consumes me. In all my life I have never experienced a real date, a loving relationship or sex for that matter. That's another thing that suck. I am over 25yrs old and still a v.vvvvva va vaaaaa virgin....ugghhhhh not that being a virgin is a bad thing. Being a virgin when you don't want to be is extremely hard. My desire to copulate is extremely Randy Savage on a steroid high, strong. My restraint has kept me from jumping the bones of unsuspecting young men. I want to wait till I am married but this day and age is that possible. People are settling with living together, rather than marriage. People aren't waiting till they are married to have sex. Casual sex is the norm. So where does that leave me. Do you see! Do you see my perdicament?! .....sigh....I will eventually have to make a choice. Hopefully when I do get the opportunity to be in a loving stable, hopefully long term relationship that I will make the right decision.
For now I need to find a way to get my mind off of sex enough to focus on my studies, improving my life and growing as a person. Motivating myself to get on the ball....sigh.....I gotta work on that but man, I don't feel like it. lol......
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