Word Vomit, sometimes I feel like I have it. I don't always want to say what I am thinking. I mean, if I always said what I was thinking, people would think I was seriously mentally ill and need to be put in the room with the padded walls. Another problem I have been having is stammering over my word

Journey through Pergatory

This month I will be officially 30years old. I have for years made plans on what I am going do to make my life better. I get on my soap box and preach about how things are going to better, things are going to change because "I" *rolling neck & snapping fingers* ain't taking no more mess!" Yeah I talk a good game but not all of my goals as far as self improvement seem to come to pass. At the most I end up farther back than I was before. Then I go throuth my phase of being depressed, sad, and upset about my situation after all, I mean come on, I got on my soap box, I preached and fussed and cussed about how sick I was about certain situations in my life. I had good intentions, I pounded my chest and stuck it out. I let my cape fly in the wind like "Superman". Well no such luck, I procrastinated, set on my butt, stuffed my face and didn't do a "datgum thang".

It's embarrassing to be almost 30 years old and not experience what most people experience at 19, 20, 21, 25, or 27 years of age. I still haven't found my goal career. I feel like I am still trying to find. I have come to the conclusion because well it makes me feel better thinking this way is "everyone comes into their own in their perspective time" There is no set timetable that a person has to accomplish these things before they reach a certain age. I have already accepted that if I have children, I am gonna be the milf or cougar mom. I'm going to be that old woman, doing things that I could have done when I was 20. I could make all kinds of excuses and some are valid but a lot of it is just me being chicken and scared to do what I need to do.

I see this part of my life as a purgatory. A purging period before I get to my paradise or to a place where I feel totally free and comfortable. There is so much I want to experience and if I experience them at 50 or 80 then so what. That is the time I am meant to experience those things.

Gotta get out of Dodge!

It's been a while since I posted. I've got my hands in many areas now. I'm trying to accomplish a lot this year. I pray I can be successful and actually complete this goals I have. I definately am trying to change my life and part of it is moving away from the things that are familiar to me. True it is what I am used to but to be honest the surroundings I have come accustomed to are counter productive to my growth.

One of these things holding me back is my family. I mean I love them very much but I feel like they are sucking the life out of me. I put my life on hold for my family, not that it's their fault but I mean I volunteered to stay home and help me family but they have gotten so used to me taking care of everything that now I'm responsible for everything when I don't want to me.

At some point, siblings need to grow up and do things on their own. At some point parents need to let their kids have a life. I feel like my family have become a vampire and they are just sucking the life out of me. I don't want to turn into a 35year old spinster still living with my mom. That is like death to me. I just need to get away. I need to be able to grow up. I'm too old to be still living with my family. Too old not to have the things that normal adults have.

I need to do something before I trully crack under the pressure and go running down the street screaming in terror.

What does it take to make it?

I often wonder why my life has gone the way it has gone. I'm almost 30 and I have no accomplishments to show for it. I don't have a career, I have a simple 9-5 job. I haven't achieved things that most people half my age accomplish. What is so wrong with me.

It's like I have broken 4 mirrors and now I'm having like 28 years of bad luck. When am I going to catch a break. When am I going to get my chance to make it in this world.