It's been a while. Just some random thoughts.

Aug 27th was my birthday. I am slowly but surely getting closer to being 30. Not that that is a bad thing. I don't know why people think that when they turn 30, it's a death sentence or their life is over.

I still ponder within myself, "What have I done with my life?" I haven't accomplished the things I wanted to accomplish. I guess, my fear is that I am proving all the nay sayers that thought I wouldn't amount to anything right. I've always had this fantasy that when I grew up that all my dreams would come true in the full view of all the people who said I was stupid, fat, ugly, trifling and lazy. Regardless of my looks I would find the finest guy and he would want to be with me. I would have a successful business and the big house with the white picket fence and have a bunch of well behaved kids. I know everything wouldn't be Walton or the Brady's perfect but it would be good. Instead I have allowed my family to totally consume my life so much so that I'm not able to live the way I want to. I've had a long bout with depression from my teenage years til now. I have a degree and now accomplishments or successful career to speak about. No car, no house of my own, no significant other. If feels like everyone else is passing me by living their lives.

I desperatly wanted to give my father grandchildren but God saw fit to take him home. I am glad my father isn't in pain anymore, having to go to dialysis treatments, grandmaul seizures, heart attacks and all the other health issues he had. I know he is in a better place but the thought that he wouldn't be able to walk me down the isle when I get married, hold, play or spoil to death my or my siblings offspring makes me feel a little sad.

I'm not trying to sound like a victim or poor little old me. It just seems like I have the worst luck. I know God didn't bring me to this low point for me to stay here. There is something for me to learn, to see, to understand. However right now I feel like I have been in this trial for a long time and I want to come out. It doesn't feel good being in this place where I am right now. I'm praying for upliftment and for things to be better.