This week I have been doing a lot of self evaluation. I complain about a lot of things, my family, my jobless-ness, my lackluster love life. I do a lot of knocking down on myself. Mainly I do a lot of finger pointing when it comes to these issues. True enough the people I have encountered in my life do have an effect on me but I choose to allow negative people to have more of an affect on me. I also use that fact as a crutch...like some folks blame the man for their inability to succeed.
I have yet to get out on my own and establish my self as an independent adult. I have yet to really experience the world. I allowed myself to be stuck in this box. Like a child I don't go past my front door. Although my desire is to be out and about, conquering the world. My hinderance is that I use my family as an excuse to not boldly go, where I haven't gone before. Initially it was a reality, but my siblings are old enough to take care of themselves, my father is in heavan now, my mom seems to be doing fine. So why the hell am I still here. Although I am just realizing it now but I have had opportunities to get out on my own and again used the excuse of family obligation to not move forward.
I've admitted to myself that the real reason, for my inability to move forward is fear. I'm afraid of going out there and screwing up. Not only that but screwing up and having to tuck my tail between my legs and go back to my family. The fear of proving to all the naysayers that I am a failure. Some of those naysayers are on my very on family. Ironically I have already proven them right. I am still living with my mom and I am over 25yrs old. I constantly beat myself of for not taking the initiative and getting out on my own when I was a brave, naive 19yr old. I had the funds, the apartment, the mindset. Fear crept in and kept me from making that step since then.
This fear has also led me down into some serious stuggles in my love life. I desperately want companionship and love. All those sickeningly sweet things involved in a stable relationship. However my fear of being alone had let me into relationships with liars and manipulators. This area is a hairy one for me. My self esteem isn't what it should be. Fear coupled with low self esteem has allowed me to accept certain things that a normal person wouldn't accept. I won't go into the gory details of my few and far between past relationships.
I guess the real name of my fear issue is "Fear of Failure". That fear of failure is so strong at times that I don't even attempt to do certain things. You know the mentality of "Oh well, If I try I am gonna fail anyway."
I guess I got a lot to work on. I am trying to move past this and be a little more adventurous. Keep me in your prayers folks.