As mentioned in a previous post, "I'm a lazy cuss." I am working on changing that aspect of me. Trying to that fire burning under me so I can get my butt in gear. In an effort to get that hairy ball rolling. I have put myself on a schedule. Time management is something I have become increasingly ineffective at. I don't know what happened to me. I used to be a smart, responsible, pragmatic person. Now I feel like a lazy, triffling idiot.

I guess the redundant yelling of my father, telling me how triffling he thought I was, finally stuck in my brain. It's funny, I being the eldest of 6 children, I took on the responsibilies of an average adult with children. But still nothing I did was satisfactory to my father and mother. My father, God rest his soul. I don't think he fully understood all that I did or went through for him and my family. Dah, well.... I set my path to reverse the curse, that I allowed to be put upon me. I could have faught a little harder to not let my parent's negative words to slither their way into my heart and mind. I guess all the while, while I was fighting it, I didn't realize that I let the negativity infect me, like a virus.

I'm not saying my parents were horrible parents. They did the best they could with what they had. Parents need to be really carefull what they say or do to their children. I know I wasn't the smartest child. I made a lot of bone head mistakes. There is a way they can go about chastising their child to where they won't come out with the self esteem the size of a grain of sand. My parents I guess tried too hard to make sure I wasn't a screwup that I ended up becoming one. In my opinion they were over protective, overbearing, and nagging. So much so that to me it felt like they hated me. For the life of me I don't know what I did that was so horrible that made them act that way toward me.

Maybe since I am my parent's oldest child, I am the "Trial & Error" child. Maybe I was the guinnea pig. They try out something out on me, figure"well that didnt work", and try something else with the next child. "Lets try whiping her everytime she brings home a bad grade from school, see if that inproves her grades. Well that didn't work. Let's make her feel ashamed of her body when she starts puberty, she starting to gain weight. Well that didn't work, lets try something better with the next child. Let's physically abuse her, yell at her, berate her for every single mistake. Well that didn't work, lets try something better with the next child. Lets keep her inside and not let her go out, she might screw up. Let's teach her about the bird and bees, with scare tactics, we don't want her to become a slut". I could go on and on and on but it's to early in the morning to be rehashing old hurts right now.

I have some heavy stuff to work past. Hopefully I will and come out better in the end.